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I wish so badly that I could trust people I dont know what it is.. i just dont trust anyone. I guess you get stabbed in the back enough times you just kinda lose faith in people. I wish i wasnt so insecure, i always feel so inferior to everyone. I guess thats just some thing that i need to work on, its not any one else's fault but my own.
My lifes all fucked up as usual, im evicted from an other apartment... dont know where im going. And im just unhappy.
Devin and I are good... maybe even better than ever, i guess that when ever thing is going ok.... i just expect some thing horrible to happen because thats just how things work for me. On May 23 we will be going out for a year, it feels sooooo much longer than that. I guess its nice to have some one to fall back and know that there for you but i just cant shake this feeling, i just want to cry for no reason, i just know some thing bad is going to happpen. But if i just anticipate some thing bad happening do you think that just helps it along?? I hope that things just end up working out no matter how i feel. |
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I feel like shit right now me and Devin broke up, its not like i didn't see this coming it just really sucks. At first i we just decided to brake up because we figured it would be "better" if we did, and we were still gunna be friends. Then he found out about some really dumb shit that doesn't even really matter and flipped out about and told me that he never wants to talk to me again and that the next time he sees me that he is gunna punch me in the face. Now i just feel like shit because i remember what good friends we used to be and i could kill myself for ever ruining that. And whats even worse is that we have all the same friends, and im just so scared that he sees me hes gunna freak out, and i really don't want him to hate me. I just cant believe how much i have fucked up my life and i really don't know how to pick up the pieces. I just cant get over the fact that i wont see him, or be able to talk to him and i know it doesn't really matter any ways because things can never be the way that they used to be. I just feel like i burned all my bridges and i don't know where to begin. Well a great start would for me to get out of this shit hole town, but thats not going to happen for a while. And i know that never ever want to be with anyone ever again i know that really sounds dumb but im just so sick of loosing people. I really don't know if its me and i just push people away or something but i cant take getting hurt again or loosing some one i really care about. I mean i spent every minute of every day with him and now im just surpost to forget about him.... I guess im just gunna try to go to sleep.Current Mood:  crushed |
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Nov. 1st, 2007 @ 10:23 am
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Im so sick of loving you so much and feel so empty :( |
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:)
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Mar. 3rd, 2007 @ 05:18 pm
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So...... there really isnt much to say, im just updateing b/c i havent in a while, ive been so happy lately! Ive been hanging out with all my old friends, Ive been hanging out with Chrisitne and Cindy alot more, and alot of people that i wasnt before. I think that the reason that ive been so happy is b/c im not with anyone. I really think that im alot better off not being with anyone b/c im so much happyer.
I havent gotten a job yet :/ but im really trying to.
Ive been trippin alot lately(again), i think that im gunna stop again, i just cant help its always around me. The funny thing about it is that i've tripped so many times and i have NEVER paid for it.
Most of the time all i do is hang out with Robyn, we've become really good friends.
Im still not going to school,. big surprise there, and now C.P.S is up my ass again, but this time it could be really bad. There trying to take my Mom and I to court, and threating to put her in jail. I just hope they put me on pins and get it over with. The only reason im saying that is b/c i really dont want my mom to get in any trouble b/c of me and pins is really not a big deal, ive been on it before, and nothin happened.
So any ways i cut my hair really short heres a pic.......
This is the shortest ive ever had it, its so crazy!!
Well im done.
<3 |
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Yea so there really hasnt been any thing new with me lately, im still singel and i still hate every thing about my self but whatev. Im kinda drunk but not really, im at Robyns. Im so sick of thinking about the past but i really cant help it b/c i was so happy then, and im so not now. On my 16th birthday(something that i have been looking forward to sence ive been 13 or even before then) i cryed my eyes out b/c instead of being happy all i could think about was how much things have changed, everyones geting older, i keep lossing touch with everyone and its so sad for me but fuck it thats life, people change, i just hate it. All i can just thinking about is whats next? I just want to run away and get away from this shitty place i call home, start out new. That would be so great. Well im dying my hair... i should really wash it out.
~*Peace and Love*~Current Mood:  FUCK YOU!!! J/K |
| » An amzing song!!! |
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SAY ANYTHING LYRICS
"A Walk Through Hell"
And if I could swim
I'd swim out to you in the ocean,
Swim out to where you were floating
in the dark.
And if was blessed
I walk on the water you're breathing,
To lend you some air for that heaving
Sunken chest.
'Cause they chose you
As the model
For their empty little dreams.
With your new head
And your legs spread
Like a filthy magazine.
And they hunt you
And they gut you
And you give in.
And if I was brave
I'd climb up to you on the mountain.
They led you to drink from their fountain
Spouting lies.
And I'd slay
The horrible beast they commissioned
To steer me away from my mission
To your eyes,
And I'd stand there
Like a soldier
With my foot upon his chest.
With my grin spread
And my arms out
In my bloodstained Sunday's best,
And you'd hold me
I'd remind you
Who you are...
Under their shell..
I'd walk through hell for you.
Let it burn right through my shoes.
These soles are useless without you.
Through hell for you
Let the torturing ensue.
My soul is useless without you
And if they sent a whirlwind,
I'd hug it like a harmless little tree.
Or an earthquake,
I'd calm it,
And I'd bring you back to me,
And I'd hold you
In my weak arms like a first born.
I'd walk through hell for you.
Let it burn right through my shoes.
These soles are useless without you.
Through hell for you
Let the torturing ensue.
My soul is useless without you (through hell for you)
(through hell for you) without you
Without you (through hell for you)
Without you (through hell for you)
Now, I've walked through hell for you,
What's an adventurer to do
But rest these feet at home with you
Feb. 8th, 2007 @ 04:50 pm
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| » Wow i cant believe how long its been since i updated |
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Yea as most people already kno i already moved, i live on Chrisler ave. now, its a really nice place but its so much smaller that are last place. I still have parties but no where near as much as the last place. I miss my old house so much... i wonder if anyone still stops there that doesnt kno i moved, huh? but anyways there really isnt any thing new with me.... to add on to my last entry i dont even talked to Derek anymore, i dont go out with anyone and its pretty sweet. Its so nice to just think about my self and to do what ever i want without having to worry about someone eles.
So yea im at Robyns right now we've been hang out alot lately, i dont really talk to Christine anymore i dont kno whats here problem i love her to death still but she never trys to hang out with me im always the one call her..... its all good i guess i just really miss her.
As for school im probly going to fail b/c im so dumb and dont go. Im trying to get a job right now, im so sick of being broke. well i guess thats it i cant really think of any thing eles to write about.... wow my life is pretty boring isnt it.
~*Peace and Love*~
SHAY
Jan. 15th, 2007 @ 04:07 pm
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| » At Tims house..... |
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Derek and I broke up a few days ago, i broke up with him b/c he was freaking out on me for doin some thing i didnt even do and i was really sick of fighting with him so i just thought that it would be best if we broke up. Other than that there really isnt much more that has happened. Ive been tryin to go to school ever day and ive done a ok job on that and we still havent moved which isnt a good thing but what are we ganna do we basically found a place but i hate it but it looks like we have no choice. We just really need a place for right now b/c other wise will be on the streets. Me and my mom talked about it what we might have to do it move to this place for now and while were there we can look for a better place, that way we have alot more time to find out what we want to do.
Me and Derek are still gunna be friends but when me and him broke up it was a really big mess. He wouldnt leave my house and all i want was for him to leave and he was really scaring me by the way he was acting so my mom called the cops and now there is a restraining order(i didnt do it the cops did) but we are tryin to get that dropped. I feel really bad b/c things got a little out of control but i was sick of that relationship i just couldnt take it anymore. I just hope that we are goin to be friends.
My computer crashed the other day so im not goin to be able to update that often so this is all for a while....
Peace <3
Sep. 23rd, 2006 @ 05:26 pm
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| » cant sleep.... so im updateing |
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I havent updated in a while..... things have gotin alot better. Im in high school finally and to tell the truth its not as great as i thought it would be but that might be b/c they have alot of new rules and its really boring. Alot of my friends are eaither droped out, out of school already or just dont go so i dont reallly have alot of friends that go there but its alot better than last year when i had no one to hang out with. As for finding a new place to live i think we might have found a place, me and my mother did see it for our self but are friend went and saw it for us and it sound pretty nice. Its on a dead end street on the second floor, and its a flat. At this point there is no time to be pickey about were we are movin to b/c we have to get out of herer really soon. The only reason it took thia long was b/xc we have so many things against us like my mom is on section 8 and we have pets and we're smokers. I knew there was no way that we were goin to find a place as big as the one we have now but i dont really care any more i just want a roof over my head and a place for my mom to be happy in. Tom might be geting out of the hospital really soon which is a good thing that he is good enough to be let out but its a bad thing b/c i know he is planning on living with us. I really dont want to have to live with him, he can be a real ass hole and nothin good ever comes from Tom being around. Most of the time he just fucks every thing up and i really dont want to have to deal with him, things are finally look up and i feel like he is just gunna get out and distroy all of that. Tom isnt getin any younger and i kno that me and my mother are most likely goin to be suck with him intill one of two things happens he goes to jail(or rehab for the millionth time) or he dies, and if Tom is a ass hole now i can only imagin what a prick he will be when he is a old man. Off the subject i went to Family values on the 5th, it was so much fun. I cant believe that i got to see Deftones, That was the high light of my summer. I saw alot of people there, i missed some of the begining which i was kinda pissed about b/c i missed bury your dead. So yea.... im still with Derek, thats goin ok, on today we have been goin out for 4 months. I cant believe that its only been 4 months it feels so much longer than that. I really dont kno how much longer its goin to last b/c he has to go to Troy high and i go to Schenectady high, he has manage to be at my school every day so far, but when he starts to go to school hes goin to have to stay in Troy and we never goin to be able to see eachother. I've never been with some one as jelious as Derek or controling so us never able to see eachother is goin to drive him nuts. Honestly i think it is a good thing we really need some space, but i kno that when i do see him he is goin to ask 50 thousand questions and drive me crazy. I think i would be better off alone, but i just dont kno what to do. Well its 5:00 in the morning and i still have to wake up at 6:00 so i better end this.
~Peace and Love~
*SHAY<33
Sep. 13th, 2006 @ 04:39 am
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| » I wish i could sleep |
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its around 6:00 in the morning....im at Dereks house. Ive been tryin to sleep for what feels like forever but i cant stop thinking. Im really nervous about moving i kno its really not such a big deal but i just keep on thinkin about how impossible its gunna be to move all me and my mothers crap out of are house, and i kno that my mom is a pack rat and isnt gunna want to get rid of any of her stuff. It doesnt help that my mom doesnt have a car and cant even drive, and that i really dont kno that many people that would be nice enough to help us move. My whole life ive never had to move, and ive lived in the same place for about 9 years maybe longer, so we have so much stuff. most of are shit is distroyed, totally not worth moving but there is no talkin to my mom. Some of are stuff used to be nice but b/c of all the partyin and whatnot we have no choice but to throw it away. On top of that we havnt even found a place, we have intill sept. but i kno my mom is goin to put it off intill the last second. Soon im gunna be starting school, and i really wanted to get a job but with all this movin bull shit i cant even think about that. I guess my biggest problem is that i dont trust my mom. She keeps on saying that she is to depressed to look for a place, well she is going to have a reason to be depressed when we run out of time and have no place to live. I feel like such shit b/c this really is all my falt b/c of all the police activity and the constant people at my house is the reason we are being kick out in the first place. I remember when me and my mom first moved in to are house she loved it so much and we really thought that was goin to be the last place we were goin to have to move to and now thats all over. To tell the truth i dont even want to live there anymore b/c its become so bad there b/c of all the asshole people that thought it was ok to do what ever they want there, like punch holes in the walls, brake all the windows, spit.... ash.... puke all over the rug, its just unbelievable. I kno that if i went to there house and did half the shit that they did at my house at there house they would never speak to me again. Maybe they did it bc they knew that my mom was a push over, but no matter what there is no reason that they should think that any of it was ok, its all just so fucked up. Well i guess im gunna try to go to sleep....
Jul. 29th, 2006 @ 09:44 pm
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